Monday, June 5

Thinking aloud

It's been two years since 'he' shifted base and we began this phase of being in a long distance relationship. Two years since 'he' became a voice, a photograph. Having seen and heard of long distance relationships collapsing within the first few months, I take it as a big moral booster that 'we' are going stronger than ever before. There have been the ups and downs, innumerable debates and lots of tears, but each time I feel it adds to the relationship, to our understanding of each other, to the trust and love that binds us.

And yet now that the judai is nearing its end, I find myself scared of the entire prospect of meeting 'him' in person. The seven seas do not restrict or dampen our daily communications. If we are to meet tomorrow the conversation would be a continuation from where we left off yesterday. But then I am mighty scared of meeting 'him' in person.

I fear I have fallen for the distance. The fact that an email or phone call though capable of conveying everything also gives me a chance to veil and shield uncomfortable and disturbing facts, feelings and thoughts is very comforting. The feeling of being in a relationship and yet having your own space (lots of it!) is enticing. Two years is a long time for anyone to fall in love with that feeling.

And most importantly the fact that after two years each one of us must have changed in ways that cannot be conveyed through phone calls and emails. Things that might not have been anticipated, that the other could never have even dreamt of, matters of habit, changes in thought processes due to cultural differences…. lots of things that could surprise and shock. In such a situation when you meet the person with the old image in mind, and also the understanding that things might have changed, how do you react? A restrained reaction could be interpreted for lack of love? A fear, some awkwardness due to years of distance... how does one count for it? How does one assure oneself that such differences are minor and would not harm the relationship? How does one stop worrying and wondering about various scenarios that might arise, that one might rather avoid?

I fear all this and so I communicate. 'We' talk ceaselessly about all our fears, apprehensions and plans. Nothing is left unsaid. But we know it's humanly impossible to communicate everything one thinks of. The probability of things a human mind can conceive out of things left unsaid is immense. It could be subconscious, but it's there. It impacts our behaviour, our interpretations. It impacts the relationship.

Add to it leaving behind your family, your city, everything you have grown up with and shifting base to a completely new country, a new culture; what are the repercussions of it on the relationship? Do you channelise your energies towards adjusting and adapting to the new environment or do you worry about your relationship more? Do you try to overcome the homesickness, the loneliness, the unprotectedness or do you worry about what you are saying to your partner, your choice of words, your choice of actions? Do you try and be pleasing to him/her because he/she's been away for so long, away from you and family and friends and so has naturally suffered a lot emotionally; or do you concentrate on the apprehensions of your parents about sending you so far off, their concerns for your safety, their expectations about your conduct there? What do you do when you suddenly find yourself in a new country with your parents', your partner's and your own expectations piling up on all sides? Who do you turn to? Yourself? Do you expect your parents to understand? Do you expect your partner to stand by you, guide you because he/she has been through some of it and so could give you time to sort out things for yourself? Do you be a bystander and let things take their own course? Who takes the onus for anything that goes wrong? What do you do?!!

13 comments:

Sudipta Chatterjee said...

Don't worry, Manasi! Things will be fine. You have very well conveyed the turmoil and apprehensions in your mind now. However, you too are a part of the environment around yourself. So adjusting, meeting, adding a face to a name or an email will all just fit into place. All you need to do is just to be yourself.

Shruthi said...

I wanted to write just what Sudipta has. Just be yourself, everything will be fine.

The more you worry, the worse it will get. You haven't asked for advice here, so I am not giving more of it :D - I liked the way you expressed it. Very valid thoughts and apprehensions. Don't worry. And look forward to it!! Ooooh it must be so exciting :))

Manasi said...

sudipta: Thanks! Will have to wait and watch how things turn out. Thanks for dropping by :)

Manasi said...

Shruthi: Yea right! I am trying to keep my nervousness under check, proabably once things fall in place I will be laughing at this post.
And yes its damn exciting. I am simply counting days as they say :))

Shruthi said...

Manasi, thanks for the wake up call on my blog - I had completely forgotten that a group photo was up on the blog that I had linked to. I want to remain faceless for some reason.... - so I removed that link :)

Vinod R Iyer said...

Hey manasi! Just read ur loud thoughts.I guess the apprehensions will be there just for the first meeting! After all its the mind which meets that matters ..right ? Imagine that the last time you guys met was yesterday.That might ease things out !! :)..Nice writing anyways..

Manasi said...

Vinod iyer: Thanks! Probably thinking so might help :)

Manasi said...

shruthi: yea I understand :)
I hope you dont mind me having seen that pic though ;)

Anonymous said...

That is familiar, the style of it. May I say it sounds like a very Indianised version of Sex and the City (a compliment, this might well be). Carrie Bradshaw would write some clever line in this piece like 'What's the deal with long-distance relationships, aren't we actually relieved that the one we love is actually so far away?'.
Looks like you have had quite a row about some 'sensitive issue'. Maybe one of you took some inappropriate liberties with the 'lots of space' (You can never verify the truth, can you?). And no points to guess who did.
Anyway, if I were to give my advice, I'd say : just let him be and rid him of all the pressure built up, even before he actually arrives. It's not like he's on a vacation of sorts over there. He too might have had to take some hard decisions, consider this! And you don't always have to be so insistent on making things sound so good and soothing, it's just a blog, not some evaluation index measure for piousness. People have got opinions and are bound to defend them. No matter who you are to them. Conflict is so very natural, isn't it? The real test of love (is there really such a thing?) is in lifting yourself above the level of those stupid fights and trying to stick to the person you love. Believe me, it does help. Not that you insulate yourself from all those discouraging insecurities, but bear them (this does not mean suffer from them). Bearing something doesn't necessarily mean adapting / being at the receiving end of those-things-he-does. It means showing that you can survive his love and all that jazz, for it is such a stupid emotion, love, can't ever satisfy you, can it? You actually think you are the only one in this world who can 'truly' love and that you actually love your partner more than he loves you. But, can you really measure it? And there shouldn't be any brownie points to les femmes for loving their men more, doesn't work that way. Men can love too, for crying out loud. The world just would cease to exist if it weren't both ways. It's His creation!

Tweaky said...

thankfully, o still havent had the necessity to worry abt such things...

nice blog btw.

Manasi said...

tweaky: Thanks!

Supremus said...

Eh? So you are meeting after two years eh? You know I did hear a very similar thought from him too about long distance relationships and all - and kudos to you both that you have emerged stronger :)

Personally I dont know you in real life, however knowing one of you in real life makes an advantage - woh waise ka waisa hi hain :P :P :P - eeew - that came out corny! But the point is, the moment you meet, everything else wont matter I guess :)

Cheers

S

Manasi said...

Suyog: Thank God that I have you to inform me that abhi tak woh waise ka waisa hi hai! ;)

BTW what's with this 'S'? Naya istyle kya?