Sunday, June 11

"Kyun na is dosti ko..."

One of my friends is all set to marry her 'best friend' next week. Both of them are very excited, impatient and hoping the D-Day arrives immediately! Having known both of them since college, I know they make a lovely compatible couple. However there is something that keeps nagging me.

Both of them started out as friends and in due course of time were deeply in love. Their courtship was full of fun, coffees and fights too [being friends keeps you aware of the other’s love life ;)] In time the wedding was fixed, and since then things have nagged me. Now, both are normal rational people madly in love. And they are also ‘friends’. This ‘claim’ nags me. I mean over the years I have seen both of them change distinctly and the relationship turning into more of a love relationship. The ‘friend’ factor seems to have diminished. During conversations with my friend I have noticed initially subtle and now increasingly pronounced traces of the friendship receding. Even when in a group the difference is evident; not in terms of coochicooing and stuff – as such they are against ‘public display’ and there have never been any embarrassing situations when in a group. But still one could make out that the ‘friend’ factor in their behavior, their conversations, their body language had changed. They were friends only because they were girlfriend-boyfriend and not husband-wife.

There are many couples who start out as friends and claim to be friends all through their lives. Sometimes even the best of friends! Films also promote this theme – college friends falling in love, “dosti ko rishtedari mein badal de” etc etc. Lines like “I want to make friendship with you” (that’s horrible English!!) with an intention of nothing else but flirting or dating are common. It’s a routine for friends to fall in love. My only concern is do they continue to be friends all their life? The words ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’ imply that the couple are friends to each other, but are they? Do the sweet nothings and intimacies make the ‘couple’ factor dominate? Is then the ‘friendship’ hibernating only to blossom later? Even when after a few years the initial attraction and love is lost, is the friendship alive?

And then what is this being ‘friends’ all about? Does it mean that you share a wavelength, understand each other considerably and enjoy each other’s company? Or is it all about a good dialogue about varied issues of interest to them together or individually? Is it about going out, having similar experiences, sharing them and having fun? What exactly is it to be friends when being a couple?

Many people I have come across usually end up being engrossed in trying to be the best partner, a good lover, a good spouse. I have hardly ever seen people taking efforts at trying to be good friends. Most want to be politically correct. Many are scared of instability and the relationship going sour, so they end up playing it safe. Try to please the other. According to me between friends these things do not matter. You might never want the friendship to go sour but you are usually frank about your thoughts, don’t necessarily play it politically correct, diplomatic at all times. You don’t necessarily try to please the other; don’t forgo your desires for them.

And so I wonder if my friend is really marrying her ‘best friend’ or her ‘erstwhile best friend’!?!


Supremus said...


Some great sage once said (and in this case the sage being me :) ) - 2 ppl can nver be lovers without being being best friends first. The reverse however may not be true. So I do believe that your friend is still marrying her best friend. Love I think is just an addition over it - of course ppl get coochy-coo and "seem" to care for each other a lot, but umm, but I think unless they can maintain their friendship, they can never be lovers either :), unless however "Ek Ladka Or Ek Ladki kabhi dost ban sakthe" theorem holds true :D


Shruthi said...

I would put Suyog's statement in a slightly different way. For a couple to be truly comfortable with each other, they have to be best friends.
It's difficult to define friendship in a relationship, but it is there for sure... If cootchiecooing and whispering sweet nothings constitute love, then ribbing each other and playing pranks on one another - does this constitute friendship? For a wholesome relationship, you just gotta be best friends. Love is in addition to this.

Vinod R Iyer said...

Shouldn't a partner be more than a friend ? I mean u can have as many friends as u want but u cant have that intimacy with all,right ?

Nirwa said...

phew! I never think so much! :P


Manasi said...

Suyog: Hmm... so long the terms friendship and lovers are not clearly defined it would be difficult to really say how it is. and so the confusion.

Shruthi:Probably friends, but best friends?

vinod iyer: right!

nirwa: you don't? no wonder you have turned all sochnese sherir hara ho jata hai! (that's what the pendulum said ;))

Nandya said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Nandya said...

big deal....."friends" ....its just a tag...another name for a relationship....this is a kind of post which would make me curse my parents.....why did they make me learn to read !!!

this reminds me of seinfeld....a post about absolutely NOTHING ....just playing around with words to form a legitimate paragraph...

no offence meant...just my honest opinion

GuNs said...

Thats something I always wondered. I guess its the fact that when you are in love, that assumes higher priority over anything else, even friends. Its might be a coincidence that this love might override the friendship with the person whom you love.

Since the last sentence made very little sense, I'll leave it at that. How about you? Have you found anyone yet? Have your friends complained about a change in your attitude after that? Its all relative, I guess. Some people handle it beautifully, some don't !


Manasi said...

guns: Probably love assumes higher importance. Who can say? Guess saying its relative and subjective is the easiest way out.

Swapna said...

Interesting point. In many ways, that's true - after you become a couple, you're probably not as honest as you would be if the other person was just a friend.

Esp. after you get married, your life is bound to the other. But it's not necessarily a bad thing. As long as the two people still talk to each other, can relate to each other and are there for the other, it's a good thing - call it friends or lovers or whatever.

Emma said...

My husband and I were friends for 5 years before we turned our relationship into that of a man-woman relationship. Today, we have been married for almost 10 years - and I believe that the friendship factor is the most important part of our relationship. My husband is my "bestest" friend even today. Maybe, in more ways than one, we still remain better friends than we are a couple.

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AK said...

Now Memsahib you have to tell us about your glorious married life where the world is so much simpler and make all us single people jealous and want to run to a shaadi bureau!

Anonymous said...

I have been married 10 years to a man whom I met as a colleague and then a friend and eventually got married. But friendship has been the factor that dominates our relationship. We are not the usual " politically correct " couple. so, yes we have many differences and huge gaps. But because our friendship takes over, our relationship continues blissfully, so does our marriage which is only secondary.


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